Broken Record
by Sideslip
Summary: Prowl and Jazz find out how scary Ratchet can be when he is really upset.


Title: Broken Record  
Verse: G1  
Rating: M  
Characters: Prowl, Jazz, Ratchet, Optimus (mentions of Ironhide, Hound, Mirage, Sunstreaker, Sideswipe)  
Warnings: swearing; violence with wrenches; discussions about interfacing, overloads, spark merges (author's first attempt at complete crack)

(I do not own Transformers.)

Special thanks to bluetaelon for looking this over for me.

* * *

"You slagging idiot!" Ratchet seethed, spinning around to reach for another wrench. Prowl cringed as he watched it impact Jazz's helm and leave a sizable dent. "And you!" The medic turned as he raised the tool to take aim at his next target. "You are Second in Command! I deal with slag like this all the time from the lower ranks. What the frag got into your processor?"

"Uh," was the uncharacteristic reply from the tactician as he looked at the saboteur hoping for some help in explaining their current situation.

"Primus, help me, I am going to reformat your battle computer into a thermostat," the medic muttered as he swung at the doorwinger's helm managing to crack part of his chevron when the wrench made contact. Prowl had the sense to remain still and take the punishment. Truthfully, he was more interested in the impressive string of curses emanating from the medic. Of course, everyone knew he could swear like an overcharged Seeker but it was entirely fascinating to observe the Hatchet's wrath personally.

Jazz watched from his medberth noting the creative cursing and how the red and white mech raised it to an art form. It was certainly an experience listening to it and he wondered if he could set it to music. He even learned a few new combinations of words and filed them away for future use, probably during the next special operations mission that went to the Pit or if he needed to impress some guards in a Decepticon brig. The cracked chevron had to hurt but at least the medic avoided Prowl's doorwings just as his delicate sensory horns had been spared abuse.

"Aw, come on, Ratch. It ain't that bad," the saboteur dared to say; not realizing that he practically guaranteed himself a one-way trip to visit Primus.

The ranting abruptly stopped as the medic glared at the saboteur. "Not that bad?" Ratchet screeched. "I've dealt with this before and let me tell you, the defragmentation process is long and tedious. I expect young bots to test their limits but you two are senior officers and you should know better! You realize I must report this to Optimus." He then proceeded to gleefully summon their commander to the medbay.

Prowl's doorwings twitched nervously. "Prime will certainly not be pleased."

"He's going to be fragged off at both of you because neither of you will be leaving my medbay until I fix your slagged-up processors."

"Ratch," Jazz whined, which he seemed to do quite a bit while in the medbay. "It was just a bit of interfacing. What's wrong with that?"

"Just a bit of interfacing?" Ratchet shouted back. He raised his wrench and thwacked the saboteur soundly on the helm, once again narrowly missing those sensitive horns. Primus, the mech has good aim, Jazz thought to himself, he should be assessed as a sharpshooter.

Before the medic could land another blow, the medbay doors opened to admit their leader. He warily eyed Ratchet standing between the two berths containing his second and third in command. Both of them looked a bit disoriented and both of them had several new dents decorating their helms.

"Ratchet?" he questioned, wondering what had placed his two most senior officers in the clutches of their not-so-compassionate medic.

"These two have massive fragmentation of their processors to the extent they are off duty until I repair their sorry afts," the red and white medic groused.

"I see," Optimus replied evenly while he internally groaned. He had a good idea of what had happened and decided to handle it in a manner least likely to incriminate himself. Play dumb. "Is this the result of a cyber-attack? Shall I notify Red Alert and ask him to implement extra security measures?" That would certainly provide a distraction although it did run the risk of having the security director glitch. Better that than having to face Ratchet, the Prime thought to himself, only slightly ashamed at having such thoughts.

"Primus in the Well of Sparks and the Thirteen Primes! Are you that oblivious? Does having the Matrix in your chest make you a complete dumb-aft about how bots entertain themselves?" Ratchet yelled and raised his wrench at the Prime. "These two have been interfacing non-stop trying to see how long they could go without disconnecting their interface cables!"

Optimus shook his helm and rubbed the plate above his optics. His suspicion had been confirmed and he was grateful for his battle mask which hid most of his expression. Finally, he looked up but embarrassment could plainly be seen in his optics. He had dealt with this problem with other officers but the thought of Prowl and Jazz doing this surprised him. Pit, just the thought of his second and third fragging each other was almost enough to make his own processor glitch. "How long," he asked quietly.

"Since the start of the previous duty cycle," Prowl responded which earned him another dent from the fragged off medic.

"I see. Once both of you are released from the medbay, you will both report to my office so we can discuss this matter." He was not looking forward to that conversation but at least it looked like he would be able to escape medbay without a dent in his own helm. He wasn't about to comment about the verbal abuse directed at him while he was in the medic's domain.

"Yes, Sir," Prowl answered contritely.

"See ya then, Boss," Jazz chirped cheerfully.

Shaking his helm again, Optimus left the medbay quickly before the medic could add anything else to his report. Ratchet watched him leave then turned back to his patients. "I'd love to see that meeting," he grinned. "You fraggers and going to get your afts handed to you. You know how he hates to deal with interfacing issues."

"That's why he leaves discipline matters ta Prowler," Jazz helpfully supplied.

"Indeed," the Praxian said quietly. "But that is not why he is upset."

Ratchet turned and got ready to throw his wrench at the tactician when Jazz added, "Yeah, he's slagged off that someone finally broke his record with Ironhide."

Silence filled the room as Ratchet was too stunned to respond or move. Optimus and Ironhide? He hadn't known that and he was one who kept up with all of the gossip on base. How had he not known about that? No wonder Optimus was so anxious to escape from medbay. Now that Ratchet knew his little secret he was going to leverage it for all it was worth. His thoughts were interrupted by Jazz speaking again.

"Hey Prowler," he cooed in a sultry voice. "Next time let's try ta break Hound and Mirage's record fer tha most overloads during a single duty cycle." He was silenced when Ratchet's wrench struck his helm in just the right spot and he fell offline. He then glared at Prowl, silently daring him to speak.

"Do not worry Ratchet, no one will ever break your record for the most spark merges in a single duty cycle."

Afterwards there was silence in the medbay broken only by the sound of Ratchet humming as he repaired the two offlined mechs wondering if he could beat his own record with the twins. He was feeling ambitious and Sunstreaker and Sideswipe certainly wouldn't mind trying.


End file.
